


and I learned how to bleed

by drywitticisms



Category: Lovecraft Country (TV), Lovecraft Country - Matt Ruff
Genre: Canon Compliant, Canon Genderbending, Dubious Morality, F/F, Femslash, Moral Ambiguity, Moral Dilemmas, Morally Ambiguous Character
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-10-10
Updated: 2020-10-10
Packaged: 2021-03-07 16:53:54
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,743
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26890984
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/drywitticisms/pseuds/drywitticisms
Summary: “What do you do when you know something's bad for you and you still can't let go?”Ruby is still reeling from the argument she had with Christina and she ponders the future of their relationship, but Christina has already made amends in her own way and she hopes she can convince Ruby to have faith in her.
Relationships: Christina Braithwhite/Ruby Baptiste, Ruby Baptiste/Christina Braithwhite
Comments: 8
Kudos: 93





	and I learned how to bleed

**Author's Note:**

> Hey, peeps! I'm back.
> 
> Let's just jump right into another one-shot of our favorite pairing. I'll see you on the Other Side.
> 
> The title and subsequent quotes/lyrics come from Christina Aguilera's "Walk Away."

__

_“I was prey in your bed and devoured completely. And it hurts my soul ‘cause I can’t let go.”_

Bloated, mangled flesh depicting a rather unrecognizable sight. Seeing it once was enough for Ruby to never want to see it again. Her breath caught in her throat as it threatened to choke her from unshed tears as she desperately attempted to make sense of what she saw.

It was as if it was something you would watch on the television, but nothing that she had ever seen in her entire life. It was unlike anything else, and it struck her right underneath her ribcage as she realized this was not the normal way of looking at a dead body, of **thinking** of the deceased.

This didn’t look like a person, but it was and it symbolized the pure, inherent evil that man was capable of.

The raw, unadulterated evil a man could force upon the innocent because he knew he would get away with it.

While her initial reaction was anger, she was filled with the onslaught of sadness. And if she weren't careful, she would suffocate under the heavy weight of grief too.

Ruby didn't know what she was doing. Her head was spinning and she had many thoughts filtering through at once.

She didn't know if she was coming or going. It was why she ended up at Christina's house instead of going back to Leti's or to Mamie's for the repast.

She just needed to forget. She wanted to feel something other than sadness, anger, grief, and helplessness. 

She wanted to feel in control. She wanted to feel desired, admired, and adored. 

When Ruby was with Christina, she felt grounded. She felt more present in the moment.

But when William came out to play, it was a different ballgame. Their relationship was a strange one and she didn't know how to explain it, but it worked for her.

While Christina was ignorant and blinded by her privilege, Ruby found that she was still willing to listen.

And maybe Christina saw more than Ruby wanted her to see, because she was able to see right through her just as much as Ruby was able to see through Christina. 

Their argument was constantly playing over and over again in her mind. 

She didn't know how to explain this to Christina to make her see the truth. To see _her_ truth.

What she **did** know was that she was not going to beg Christina to see her humanity. As much as they've enjoyed each other these past few weeks, Ruby still had some self-respect. 

While she was thinking of what to do about Christina, the front door swung open.

Ruby looked up from the floor towards the door and was met with Christina's blank face. She promptly closed the door behind her as she turned back to look at Ruby.

That was one thing Ruby appreciated when Christina was William - her emotions and feelings were written all over William’s face and there was no guesswork involved. Ruby knew what she was feeling.

When Christina was William, Ruby could read him like a book. When Christina was herself, Ruby often twisted herself up in knots trying to figure out what the other woman was thinking and feeling. Which angered and baffled her in the same breath causing her to say exactly what was on her mind.

"Even after what happened, you still haven't learned anything from what I've told you." Ruby said.

"I don't know what that means." Christina said with a half-shake of her head.

"Of course you don't." She scoffed.

"Ruby," She began as her heels clicked as she glided towards Ruby's seated body. "I thought about what you said earlier, and I understand now."

"Do you?"

"Yes, it was difficult for me to understand before but I get it." Christina said taking a seat next to Ruby.

"You should _want_ to care. I shouldn't have to scold you into caring every time something like this happens. You claim to care about me, right? Well, that includes caring about the things that I care about."

Christina nodded before breaking eye contact with Ruby and looking down at the threading of her dress. 

"Would that make you happy? If I cared?" She asked bluntly.

"It wouldn't make me _happy_ but it would show me that I haven't been wasting my time here with you."

"Ruby, there are things you don't know and I'm aware of that. But I want you to trust me and believe me when I say this, I genuinely understand what you were trying to tell me before. It took me reaching into the darkest dregs of society but I understand you so much better now." Christina said still looking down.

Ruby stared at her before shaking her head. She wondered what she meant by that, and then she wondered if she even _wanted_ to know.

Christina was singing a much different tune now, and it gave Ruby whiplash to think about but it also made her feel warm inside to know that Christina was really trying to understand. She knew that they would never truly be able to walk a mile in each other’s shoes, but the fact that Christina was starting to understand **why** it mattered to Ruby made her think the woman felt more than she allowed herself to show.

"Sometimes, I never know what you're thinking. With William, it's as clear as day. With you, it's not as clear and it scares me. **You** scare me." Ruby confessed. 

With those words, Christina's eyes drifted back towards Ruby's brown eyes. 

"I know your fear is because I haven't allowed you in and you don't know if you should trust me, but I promise you that I will _never_ hurt you intentionally. This is all new for me, but I like it and I don’t want to let it go. This is the first time I’ve ever felt anything like this before in my life, and it confuses me sometimes."

Ruby simply stared at the blonde woman. She didn't know what to make of what she said, because she was still thinking of Leti's warning to not trust Christina. 

She always had this very matter-of-fact way of saying things that had a tendency to hit Ruby square in the gut, but her words always stuck with her. 

Her words were oddly heartfelt at the same time, or as heartfelt as they could be coming from Christina, that is.

Christina very well could be playing her for a fool, but it wasn't like Ruby was a naive child. She could take care of herself, and she knew how to protect herself when need be.

Besides, she was getting something out of it too and she assumed that's where the confusion from Leti stemmed from. She wasn't being used without receiving anything in return.

No, Ruby was getting the chance to touch the sky and enjoy everything life could afford her through the use of magic.

No one in her life really knew her, and she didn't blame them. At least, not really. She was used to hiding from everyone, including from those she cared about. 

Ruby had her own desires and wants that weren't exactly wholesome, but no one she knew would ever suspect her of having those thoughts. They thought her to be too good, too clean-cut. 

But Ruby had gotten her hands dirty before, so this wasn't anything new to her. She had done some horrible things but she was still able to look at herself in the mirror each morning, and that was enough for her.

"I meant everything I said to you, Ruby. I may do things that will cause you to question why you're here, but my feelings are real and genuine. I was confused, at first, about some things but I see things perfectly clear now."

Ruby said nothing. She had heard a variation of this exact statement before and she simply didn't know what to make of it. 

She wondered what Christina's endgame with her was. She obviously had a grand plan, but Ruby regularly contemplated where she fit into that plan. 

She wasn't brave enough to ask just yet. She was enjoying their time together a little _too_ much, and she didn’t want the fantasy to end. She wanted to hang onto it for a little while longer. 

Maybe one day she would be brave enough to ask the question that could make their world come tumbling down like a pile of bricks.

Ruby knew their relationship was complicated and messy and it obviously had an expiration date; and for all intents and purposes, it shouldn't even exist. 

But Ruby had never felt this way with any of the people she had dated in the past. Sure, she was a hopeless romantic but this didn't feel like all those other times.

This felt different but in a good way.

They didn't agree all the time and didn’t see eye to eye on some rather important things but Christina had always treated her like she mattered. 

Christina saw her as a human being. She never attempted to hide her away or ignore her in favor of someone else.

No, Christina was quite possessive and protective when she needed to be.

It was the way she stepped in as William when that racist piece of shit decided he needed to put her in her place and remind her that she wasn't welcome in their neighborhood. 

Christina didn't hesitate to defend her, even knowing it would look bad if a Black woman and a white man were openly in a relationship with each other.

Her first instinct was to make sure she was okay, and Ruby couldn't remember the last time she felt that way. The last time someone actually checked on her and cared about how she was feeling and if she was drowning in something she couldn’t understand.

Maybe when her father was still alive? He saved her a lot when she was growing up, so being able to feel like that again was enough for her to realize that she was safe with Christina.

Despite her sister’s concerns, Ruby sincerely felt _safe_ with Christina. She knew she was probably putting all of her eggs into one basket, but she couldn’t help what she felt. 

When you’ve been given a soft place to land, all your hang-ups simply fall away. Your life simply becomes easier, _lighter_. And Ruby was sick of carrying the weight of a world that wasn't designed for someone like her. She wanted to **rest** and let someone else deal with the hardness of the world; and if that rest came in the package of a tall, skinny white girl, then so be it. She wasn't going to deny it; she wasn't going to turn it down.

"You were right too." Ruby begrudgingly replied.

Christina's brow raised at her statement waiting for her to continue. 

“I felt guilty about wanting what I wanted, and I couldn’t rationalize it in my own mind. I felt horrible because I knew that even after everything that happened, I still wanted you. I wanted to be with you. I wanted to forget that the world sees me and people like me as second class citizens, and I just wanted to block it all out.” Ruby explained. “I wanted to escape, and I knew being with you was the only way I could get to that escape.”

Christina simply stared at her, and Ruby wondered if she had just shot herself in the foot by making her intentions and feelings known to the other woman. She was accustomed to revealing her inner, honest thoughts and feelings to William; but with Christina, it was almost like staring down a firing squad because the other woman was all hard lines and angles.

She wondered if she had shown her hand too soon and if she were about to lose her entire life savings because she didn’t fold when she should have.

For the first time since they had started talking, Ruby saw the ghost of a smirk stretch across Christina's lips. 

"There's nothing wrong with finding an escape, Ruby. But there was something more than escapism there. You know what else I saw? I saw a woman accepting every facet of herself, even the parts she wants to run from. **That's** the source of your power - those ugly parts that make you feel guilty. Don't reject it; lean into it." Christina fiercely replied. 

"Is that how you see yourself when you become William?" 

Christina stared at her and Ruby saw her face become guarded again. It was strange to see it happen in real time - Christina hiding what she felt, hiding what she didn't want Ruby to see. 

"I try to embody everything the real William was. How he was with me," Christina began hesitantly, "But I know that's not what you truly want to know though, is it?"

“No, it isn't. I want to know why William is so tender and gentle with me, yet you're nothing like him. But he's still you."

"It's easier to show you what I feel when I'm William. I can get lost in who he was, but it's still me. I didn't grow up like other people, so expressing emotion and feeling empathy for others are both foreign concepts to me."

Ruby nodded, mostly to herself. This was the most Christina had ever revealed to her; and yet, it was almost as if she had said nothing at all, as if she had revealed everything and nothing. 

She knew this was about as much as she was going to get from the blonde and she was grateful for it. 

She wasn’t getting less than she deserved; she was getting what she wanted and that mattered so much more.

Christina may have had her master plan in place, but Ruby wasn't going to be distracted from creating a space for herself that guaranteed unmitigated freedom. It's what Christina promised, and she would be damned if she was going to be deterred from it. 

With or without Christina Braithwhite. 

But she really hoped she could take Christina with her but that depended on Christina being a good girl and not double crossing her. 

She rolled her eyes at the errant thought that seemingly came out of nowhere. She was starting to sound like Leti now. But she knew that Leti was just being protective of her, and she couldn't rightfully blame her sister for looking out for her best interests. But in this instance, she hoped that Leti was wrong.

Christina hadn't given her a reason not to trust her at this point, and Ruby wanted nothing more than for that to continue. 

“That’s not an excuse, but it explains a lot.” Ruby said. “Despite all that, you **do** listen so I can give you credit for that, at least.”

“Meeting you was a magical moment for me, and I would hope that I won't do the unthinkable out of ignorance forcing you to give up on me.”

“Well, I won’t give up on you as long as you continue to show me that you’re willing to put in the work. I won’t stay with someone who doesn’t care about me.” Ruby said, “Otherwise, I’ll walk right out of that door. I will leave.”

“I wouldn’t expect anything less.” Christina said and Ruby hoped she took heed of her words because she was serious.

No matter how much she felt for Christina, she wouldn’t sacrifice her dignity for anyone. She had fallen for Christina _hard_ but she couldn't let that distract her completely. No matter how much Christina batted those pretty eyes at her, Ruby needed to keep her wits about her. Which was easier said than done 

"I like what we're doing here. It may not make sense to anyone else but it makes sense to me." Ruby said.

Grabbing Ruby's hand, Christina spoke, "I'm not as open about my feelings as you are, but they **are** there. I like being William because it allows me the chance to really be myself. I can kiss you and buy you drinks and no one would bat an eye."

Ruby smiled at her words, and she knew Christina was being genuine. She just hoped one day Christina would let her see the _real_ her, unfettered and raw and beautiful. Maybe one day.

**Author's Note:**

> So, what did you guys think? 
> 
> After this last episode, I want to squeeze as many of these things out before the writers knock a hole in our ship. I know we're all hoping they don't, but we know Doomsday is coming and very very soon. But it's whatever. I'm a firm believer in using fanfiction as a transformative tool to enjoy the things you like from the media you consume. If you like this ship, then don't worry so much about the outcome. Just enjoy it as it is, and don't let canon dictate and determine how you feel about this ship.


End file.
